Not A Failure

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This past month has put me through the wringer.

It seems like the whole universe is plotting against me. Things breaking down in the house, the car making weird noises, Justin got into a wreck with the van which now means our family is down to just one car until insurance money comes in. And you can’t fit 9 people in a car. So I am home 24-7 with my kids these days. Justin started travelling for his job, staying gone for a week at a time every other week . This threw the kids for a loop, especially with younger ones and one with behavioral issues that rely deeply on routine. The washer quit spinning. The plumbing required a plumber to come out twice. A flash flood flooded our entire bedroom. Three of the kids were waking up all hours of the night so I was functioning on 1-3 hours of sleep a night with no breaks, no time alone or away, no family or friends to help. my acne came back full force because of stress. The list goes on and on. It was overwhelming and I was doing a lousy job of treading water.

I was failing as a mom. Failing at helping my 7 year old who has learning disabilities learn to read. Failing at finding time to spend with my teenager. Failing at getting my youngest to nurse. Failing at being more patient. Failing at multitasking like the boss I once was.

I was failing at being Justins fiancé. Neglecting sexy time because the prospect of a shower and teeth brushing was too damn exhausting to think about on only a couple of hours of sleep. Failing at listening attentively to his words. Failing at leaving little love notes in his lunches or keeping up on his laundry.

I was failing at being a good friend. Failing at keeping in touch, at returning messages, at being better involved in their life. Failing at keeping my commitments and being on time.

Mostly, I was failing me. Not taking time to nurture my own soul. No time set aside to journal or read or sing or dance. No work outs. Not eating right.Not taking my pills. I let my depression take center stage. And it started kicking my ass.

And I have been walking around for the past week, heavy with guilt because I suck.

At least I thought so.

Until I watched this video and realized my perspective is all sorts of screwed up.

I have heaps to be thankful for. Even on the shitty days, at least I have a fiancé here by my side to go through shitty days WITH. Even when I lose my temper or draw a blank on how to explain phonics to my son or feed them peanut butter and jelly for breakfast, my kids are still here. Some parents are going to bed in empty houses tonight. Their kids are elsewhere, or passed away. I have my children right here with me thank god.

I may not be perfect. I may not ever cross everything off of my list.

But I am NOT a failure.

And neither are you.

Now click on this.

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One response »

  1. What is it with this month? It’s a crazy whirlwind of bad and good all mixed together and it’s hard. I’ve felt myself starting to fall into the dark place of my mind. Feel like I’m not going to accomplish what I set out to do. My aunt passed away, we found out the night we were on a double family mini vaca at an indoor water park! Two days before that someone that I didn’t know, but many of my family members did, passed as well. I have spent this week, since last friday until this saturday being the only one with my 2 year old son and 12 year old sister, a dog a cat, a coal stove and everything else. This is the first time I have been with my son on my own in two years, since he was 3 and a half months old, this Saturday marks exactly two years since I was told in a court room I was an unfit parent. I feel like I’m not doing it right, like I’m failing at being mom and sister and housekeeper. To top it off my first semester back to college in four years ends in just a couple weeks and I feel like I’m so far behind in my one class I won’t make it. But then in my other classe I’m excelling beyond what I’ve done before. I’ve felt the dark creep in. I feel as though it’s trying to take over. I’m fighting it with all my might. I usually go to mental health groups four days a week and I won’t be going back until next week.

    Thank you for empowering youself, for being brave and courageous enough to share your story with us all! I heart you sooo much! You’re right, we are not failing, I am not failing! We are just doing the very best we can with what we have and that’s all we know and can do. Miah ❤ ❤

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