A fellow page owner over on the Book Of Face has this fascinating little questionnaire his therapist gave him that he was uber cool and brave enough to share his answers with his readers so I commented “Hell yeah, that’s awesome. I would So do this!” So, he e mailed it, I filled it out and voila!
I am going to be sharing it in three parts because it covers a LOT.
This is part one. Beliefs about mahself. So, if you ever thought it would be kinda groovy to learn a little more about yours truly, well, here ya go.
Beliefs about Myself
*How would you describe yourself as a child? As a teenager? As a child I was very sensitive and empathtic, but unsure about how to show that outwardly. I picked up on others emotions very easily, which was exhausting. But I never felt safe or or even certain HOW to allow those feelings to get OUT of me. I was passionate, artistic, creative, highly entergetic. As a teenager I put a LOT of energy into trying to fit in and feling like I never would. I was always the new kid, short, poor, struggled in math, had horrid acne…..I had a close group of friends but alays preferred my alone time. I used to skip classes in high school and sit under the back stairs with my walkman listening to music and writing poetry. I was an odd blend of Rainbow Brite meets goth. I didn’t belong. Anywhere.
*What did you like about yourself? What didn’t you like? My writing. I knew from an early age I could write well and it flowed with ease. I also was a natural singer and dancer. I was great with kids. I started babysitting when I was 9. I loved kids. I didn’t like anything about my physical appearance. I had this idea in my head of what beauty was and I didn’t match ANY of those standards. I didn’t like how awkward I was in front of other people. My desire was to be a singer, a dancer, an actress. But performing in front of crowds pushed my anxiety up to high levels. I wasn’t as confident or pretty as the other girls I saw.
*How did you think others your age percieved you as a child? As a teenager? How did you think adults percieved you? As a young child I was hyper, unbridled and annoying by most. As a teenager,My peers tended to be intrigued by me but didn’t bother much with friendships. Iwasn’t so much an outcast in teh sense I was bullied/teased. It’s just that I refused to fit in anywhere and kids didn’t now what to DO with that. So they did nothing. People were mostly polite to me (besides the ocassional bully) but they kept their distance because associating outside of your peer group can get you ostrasized. I was the weird girl who wore neon tights and candy jewelry. I needed no one. I was odd and independent in a society of peers where fitting in was demanded of all. I spent years trying so hard to fit in and at age 15 I just quit caring. That resulted in me suddenly not being invisible. Irony.
*What were you good at? Not so good at? I was good at the arts. At reading. Creating things. Communicating with animals. Caring for young children. I was not so good at sitting still, shutting up, focusing.
*What were some things about you or your circumstances that you wished you could have changed as a child? As a teenager? I wished my family wasn’t so poor. That we didn’t have to move so frequently. I wished I was prettier. More popular. Could hang out with kids my age after school instead of taking care of my little brother.
*What are some things you say about yourself that you have always said abut yourself? I am awkward in social situations. I’m weird. I’m unique. I’m a good writer/actress/singer/dancer. I get along better with little kids than with people my own age. I have a heart that feels too much. I will never fit in anywhere. I am too kind/forgiving. I am easy to forget.
*What are some of the things you remember being told about your intellect? About your appearance? About your friends? About your abilities? (Think about both positives and negatives). Intellect: Because I struggled with math and science I was put in special classes for EVERY subject. despite the fact I was tested at a college level for reading and writing in 4th grade. Between that and the fact I was always in trouble for my ADHD causing me to be wiggly/silly/disruptive in school and it wasn’t long before I thought I was dumb. Appearance: I was teased as a kid by my peers for my big blue eyes. Adults on the other hand always went on about how much they loved my big blue eyes. I hated them. Because my peers were the ones whose opinion mattered to me. Friends: I had a vast array of friends. Everything from the straight A rich kids to the stoner drop outs. The bad ones were always blamed for my bad choices I made. I was always being compared to the good kids. “Why can’t you try to be more like so and so?” Abilities: Some abilities didnt matter. I would never be a dancer because my family coudlnt afford proper dance classes and school for it, etc… Other things were wasteful. I was constantly todl by adults that if I quit messing around, causing trouble, skipping class, being so silly and just applied myself, I coudl achieve anything. Adults got frustrated because they saw potential but they didn’t like my path.
*How do you handle compliments today? It has been only very very recently I have learned to say a simple thank you and accept a compliment at face value for what it is. I was taught to be humble and always felt to accept a compliment was to be cocky. Only recently have I realized it’s okay to say thank you for a compliment. It still feels strange and awkward though. Like I don’t deserve it. Like, if they only really knew me….
*Who do you trust today? Why? I used to trust everyone. Because of being betrayed in the past I am far more cautious with my trust now. I still do trust more than most folks but I am very protective of my kids and loved ones. I am not as open of a book as I used to be. I do hope to someday be in a position to be that way again. But right now I feel like I have to protect my family and myself.