Monthly Archives: September 2014

30 Days Of Sex

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This blog is going to be my most bluntly honest. So, if sexual talk and intimate language offends you, you may want to skip this blog.

Before I begin, let me remind you that yes, my relationship with Justin IS fairly new. (11 months now) so perhaps you would assume our sex life is hothothot because newnewnew. But what you need to know here is that I was 9 months pregnant when we moved in together. So, the very first time we had sex I was huge and uncomfortable and it was awkward at best. And then as soon as we had just started to get used to pregnancy sex I popped out a Lucy. Which meant no sex for a few weeks. And then once I had healed and we could play again, there was the awkwardness of dryness from breastfeeding, some discomfort from continued healing, breast milk leakage, a postpartum body that was far too squishy and fluffy for my liking. Oh, plus a newborn baby who wanted to eat 24-7, sleep deprivation, sore nipples and a job he was pulling 70-80 hours a week at. Altogether, our sex life was not really top of our priority list. And when it DID happen, it was filled with hurdles and obstacles. To be honest, on my part anyway, it became just another chore on my to-do list. Sure, I was sexually attracted to him. But as a mom of seven young children, I tend to put everything on a to-do list. Hell, showering gets put on that list and I consider it a good day if i can check it off the list at days end. Because stuff like washing dishes, ironing clothes, cooking meals, pumping breastmilk, doing school with the boys……all of this is top of the list. Sex gets thrown at the bottom. The bottom of the list is the “If I’m lucky” stuff. Like painting my nails, showering long enough to shave both legs and defrosting the freezer.And on the rare night I was done with my daily chores early, the last thing I honestly wanted was to put effort into shaving, lotioning, putting on something sexy and having a romp in the sheets. All I REALLY wanted was to sleep longer than 2 hours at a stretch. I was chubby with postpartum weight, dealing with PPD, and ohsoverytired. I had been whined at and tugged on and drooled on and sucked on and spit up on and clung to alllllll day. I just anted to shut off. Justin got to get out of the house and be around other people his age. I resented him some days and I resented the fact  that he wanted to have sex with me. I was over touched and overwhelmed. I feigned headaches. I plopped Lucy in the bed right between us most nights just to make it clear that it was nothing but sleep tonight big boy.

But then I saw mention of a 30 Day Sex Challenge on a sex talk page on FaceBook and it intrigued me. I learned through some research that the premise of it began when a woman named Charla Muller decided for her husbands 40th birthday she would  gift him the promise of a full 365 days of sex. In a row. The result of that gift/experiment, are chronicled in her book 365 Nights: A Memoir Of Intimacy. It changed her entire marriage in dramatic ways.

Here is the deal: And ladies, pay attention. We have this habit of putting sex on a list and putting it pretty low on our list of priorities. It becomes a chore, a task, a job, an obligation. We find ourselves getting annoyed when our man is asking for it all of the time. He just doesnt understand what it is like to be touched all damn day by kids. He doesnt realize how TIRED we are. How can we feel sexy after wading through the demanding, messy, exhausting, frustrating trenches of mother hood all day? There is nothing sexy about sweaty pits and day 3 of not brushing hair and yoga pants and spit up in our cleavage and baby poop smeared on our damn yoga pants. (How did that even GET there?) We don’t have the energy to put into being fun and sexy anymore. We just want to take a bath and sip a glass of wine and for the love of god please oh please let us sleep until the sun comes up just once. I get it. I really do. I’ve been there. Annoyed with sexual advances. Aggravated that he can’t SEE how freaking TIRED I am. Embarassed by the cellulite on my ass and the flabby mama tummy and the leaky boobs.

Did you ever stop to see the illogic in this entire situation? I know I sure didn’t. Think about it for a minute. Here is this man who is your partner in life and he finds you so amazingly sexy and gorgeous that he wants to touch you and taste you and make love to you. he doesnt notice the yoga pants or circles under your eyes or extra fluff on your midsection because all he sees is his queen.He sees your strength and softness, your curves and lips and laughter and femininity. You turn him on. Still. And on top of that…umm….excuse me….but WHY are we putting something so damn FUN at the BOTTOM of our list? I mean, sure, I have responsibilities. But why the HELL am I putting that laundry pile ahead of something so enjoyable? Why am I going to mop the kitchen like a damn martyr in search of the “Super Mom” award, when I could be in the bedroom burning calories and feeling GOOOOODDDD? How stupid can WE be as women sometimes? Wah wah wah, my man wants to bring me to ecstasy and bring passion to my life, he sees me as more than just the mother of his children. Um….yeah, I realize now how bass ackwards that truly is. I’m a dummy. Gimme 20 minutes of great sex with some kissing and caressing and a rock solid orgasm at the end and I’ll have a nice bounce in my step when I attack tomorrows to-do list.

So, I did my own experiment. 30 Days Of Sex. exactly what it sounds like. Nothing special. I just commited to 30 days of sexual intimacy with my boyfriend. Day one was exciting. It was a new adventure. But day 2, and 3 and even 4…..I started to think I had made a mistake. I was still feeling like it was on my to-do list. I felt obligated to it. But the funny thing is, even when I wasn’t really in the mood, once we got the ball rolling, I would get into it. I would start it thinking “Well tonight will be for him because I’m too damn tired. No way I am going to get off. I’m just not feeling it tonight.” And before I knew it I was quivering in orgasm and thinking “Holy shit!” Andrea Macari, a clinical sex therapist explains that the more you HAVE sex, the more you WANT sex. And it began to prove true for me. It didn’t take long before I started really looking forward to our nights. Planning in advance. I bought my first toy and we tried it as part of our routine one night. THAT as pretty awesome. 🙂 One night I lit candles and put on sexy lingerie and we made love. it was amazingly romantic. We kissed and explored each others bodies a lot that night. We tried different positions and learned to trust each other deeper as we communicated what we did and didn’t like. It REALLY opened up our communication! not only did we become more open in our sex talki, sharing fantasies, telling each other what we wanted during sexy time, etc…But we found trust and security and safe haven in our bedroom and that began to seep out into the rest of our relationship. I trusted this man wholly with the worship of my body so why wouldn’t I trust him by sharing my deepest emotions or worries or dreams? We began to talk more daily. Not just two ships passing on a sea, but now we took time to stop and SEE each other and be a couple. He began to touch me more, coming up behind me in the kitchen to kiss my neck while I cut carrots for dinner. I sent him sexy pictures to his phone. we flirted more. I was reminded of who I truly was, not just mom….but a sexual, beautiful, strong woman. And his ego was stroked as well.

I had expected our relationship might get a bit stronger as a result of this experiment. And it truly surpassed THOSE expectations. But what I didn’t expect was the other results.

I noticed one day, about a week in to the 30 Days of Sex, that I was far more calm and relaxed. My son made a comment one day about how he liked when I was silly. I hadn’t been silly in a long time. I had been so busy being busy. And PPD was twisting my perception of myself. I was always so tightly wound and stressed and overwhelmed. Suddenly I was laughing a lot more. I was smiling more. I was taking time to slow down and just BE. I took extra time to make myself pretty each day in preparation of that nights sexy time. And that extra time spent helped me begin to see beauty in my mirror again. I didn’t see the tired, worn out, chubby girl I had seen. Suddenly I saw something new. I saw the sensual curves of hips and thighs, the sexy smile I had, the sparkle in my eyes, the awesome mom tummy I had that wasn’t rock hard and thin but had grown LIFE within it and was damn sexy because of it. I was Justin’s princess. His goddess. He brought me home flowers. He left me little love notes around the house. I began to initiate sex more. And more. We role played. We tried new things. It was freaking awesome. I was far more confident in myself as a woman, not just in bed (although I sure found my confidence there. Nothing like delivering a great blow job or doing a superb job with woman-on-top to make you feel powerful and HOT.) but in ALL areas of my life. My anxiety issues got smaller. Justins stress and crankiness from his job calmed down. Traffic didnt make him as ragey as it used to. He walked with newfound confidence. Our nightly escapades seriously impacted our entire family and our lives in general. It was pretty badass.

And I’m not saying he proposed on day 26 because of this 30 day experiment. But I can’t say it WASN’T because of it either. 😉

We are currently on day 40 of the experiment because 30 days is piddly in the grand scheme of AWESOMENESS! Why quit something good? It has become a regular part of our repretoire. Sometimes it’s a romantic night of leisurely lovemaking after a sweet date night. Some nights it’s a quickie on the couch. Some nights it’s a good fucking and  on the first couple days of my period it’s blowjobs because I’m just not into intercourse on those nights. All in all, I have been more than pleasantly surprised with the outcome. I would strongly encourage any couple I know to give this a shot. If your relationship is rock solid, it will only keep your walls that much more solid.If your relationship is faltering right now, it might just bring it back from the dead and amaze you at the doors of potential it can open. Not very night is going to amazing and mind-blowing. But from what I have learned, even if you aren’t really in the mood at the moment, enough touching and kissing and licking and sucking can get almost anyone in the mood after awhile. It’s better than any diet pill, antidepressant, anti-anxiety pill, drug, drink, work out regiment. It’s intimacy and love and sexy sexy fun times with the person you love. It’s worth a shot, right?

Like Nike says: Just Do It!

You might just end up with some pretty great results yourself!

SELF-TALK (part 3)

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Beliefs about the World
*When you think about the future, what do you see?

Hope. So much hope. I get cautious sometimes about my faith in that hope because in the past everytime I let my gaurd down shit hits the fan. But I see a whole lot of potential and possibilities these days. Stability for myself and my kids. Joy. Love. Security. Peace. Living out some of my dreams and accepting the fact some dreams will be set down and walked away from.
*When you think about the past, what do you try to avoid remembering?

My weaknesses. The time I got down on my knees and begged my ex husband to come back home. The times I let men hit me and I didn’t press charges or leave or hit them back harder. In their sleep. With a bat. The fact I held on too long to some awfully toxic people….I don’t like reminding myself of that. I’m finding my peace in it and accepting that I was and still am only a human learning as I go. But I’m not proud of those weak moments.
*What do you like best/least about the world we live in today? While growing up? What I like best about this world:

How many amazing, good, true, beautiful souls there are here. So many folks say there are no good people left. I think it’s all in who you allow in your life and how you see things. I have been touched at my core over and over again by earnest hearts, outstretched arms, helping hands. This world is still a very beautiful place. What do I like least? Technology. How it keeps us distanced. How we don’t write letters on paper or look into a persons eyes or truly connect like we used to. We keep forgetting to look up and we keep missing shooting stars and other miracles. While growing up, my favorite thing about this world was nature. Every inch of it. The smell of soil, the taste of sun-warm tomatoes on a vine, hugging trees and the rough bark on my cheek, dancing in puddles, watching stars, maing daisy crowns. My least favorite part as a child was anything that interrupted my joyous explorations of nature. School. Bedtime. Rules. Shoes. I had no time for that nonsense. I had gypsying to do.
*What do you think needs to be remedied in our world?

Love. Oh dear sweet baby jeebus we need more love. No more critiquing people or teasing or judging or comparing. Just love. Make hugging more acceptable than handshakes. Kiss cheeks. SAY IT! Say I love you to everyone and really mean it and feel it all the way down to your toes. Message people on FB or in a text and say “I love you today!” Don’t be afraid to look foolish. Just love. Love is the answer to every single question out there. It truly is. Love heals wounds and stops rage and soothes scars and calms storms. There is far too much apathy in this world and not near enough love. Set down your guns and open up your arms.

SELF TALK (part 2)

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Part two of the self-talk questionnaire.

BELIEFS ABOUT OTHERS:

*Write down three adjectives that describe your mother; three that describe your father; three that describe each of your siblings. My Mother: Compassionate, Uncertain, Independent. My Father: Absent, Tormented, Cursed. My brother: Smart, Funny, Hard-working. My sister: Spoiled, Lazy, Entitled.

*As a child, what do you remember thinking about adults? About your teachers? About other kids? About parents in general? I tended to get along rather well with adults and teachers once they took the time to get to know me. I had ADHD so was often knee-jerk labelled as a trouble-maker, disruptive in the classroom, etc… But once they would discover I didn’t intentionally behave that way, they were fine with me. Teachers would see my passion for the written word, reading, writing poetry, etc and would encourage that. Along the way, teachers gifted me things like a bound copy of Maya Angelou’s inaugural  poem or a blank journal to write my poems in. They saw potential in me despite my chatty, silly, wiggly nature in their class. As long as they gave me space to be me, I respected them. As for my peers, I often felt like I was on the outskirts of things. Not only did moving so frequently made it difficult to fit in (every school had a different set of unwritten rules for status quo.), but my impulsive, hyper energy was off putting. I found myself on the outside a lot and every time I would finally make a close friend we would move again. I spent a lot of time alone in my books or with my writing and as a teen I reached a point where I began to realize my peers were nothing to be intimidated by, so many of them seemed focused on shallow nonsense like drinking, drugs and sex. I was left feeling unimpressed in general. Parents in general had no clue. They didn’t understand how life worked under my skin, how I really truly tried so hard to be kind and loving. They would see me not taking a moment serious enough or dressed odd and would assume I was a bad seed, on drugs, a bad influence for their child. I was told by many friends over the years that their parents said I wasn’t allowed over their house, based on the 30 seconds they saw me. It hurt to be judged like that and left me frustrated that I never got the chance to prove myself. Ironically, their child with the straight A’s and perfect preppy clothes was out there having sex and trying acid while I was dressed in my goth clothes with my black hair, writing poetry in my bedroom. Irony…..

*What were some of your parents’ beliefs about other people that you remember hearing them say while you were growing up? My mom did a lot of judging of folks when I was a little girl. I don’t hold it against her, she was only 18 when I was born and raised that way a bit herself. I remember going to the beach with her when I was young and she would point out fat ladies in bathing suits and how “gross” it was. which was all well and good since I was petite my entire life until recently. Now, I struggle with extra weight and do a lot if berating myself in front of a mirror.I find it easy to see beauty in all shapes and sizes in all other women now, just not in myself. Being thin, feminine and having long hair was what my mom found to be pretty for women. Anything else was unattractive. I still hold myself to that standard. Rich people were hard hearted, cruel and selfish. There was honor in struggle, in poverty, in being a martyr. Your body is something to be ashamed of, not even meant to speak of. Sex is an obligation or duty for a married woman to give to her husband. Those who gave it away under any other context were whores who were sinning.

*Who were your favorite adults? Why? My Gram. My Gram was my best friend. I spent summers at her house and when I was 9 I lived with her for about a year. As a pre teen and teen, when I fought with my mom, I would walk downtown to the payphone and call Gram collect to vent.(God bless her, she always accepted those calls) She would always listen to me and truly HEAR me. She gave me advice. She spoiled me when I was sick. Even as an adult, her home was my sanctuary. I felt safe there. secure. Understood. My youth leaders when I was a teenager were also important to me. They set an example to me and took time to talk with me and invited me to their homes.

*Finish this statement: I still feel intimidated when I am in the presence of…Anyone. Everyone. as much as I tell myself that everyone has insecurities and uncertainties, I find it hard to remember in the moment. I never think I look as pretty as other women around me. I think my words sound stupid or plain or rambly. I am still that 14 year old girl deep down inside of myself.

Getting To Know Me :) (SELF TALK)

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A fellow page owner over on the Book Of Face has this fascinating little questionnaire his therapist gave him that he was uber cool and brave enough to share his answers with his readers so I commented “Hell yeah, that’s awesome. I would So do this!” So, he e mailed it, I filled it out and voila!
I am going to be sharing it in three parts because it covers a LOT.
This is part one. Beliefs about mahself. So, if you ever thought it would be kinda groovy to learn a little more about yours truly, well, here ya go.

Self-Talk

Beliefs about Myself
*How would you describe yourself as a child? As a teenager? As a child I was very sensitive and empathtic, but unsure about how to show that outwardly. I picked up on others emotions very easily, which was exhausting. But I never felt safe or or even certain HOW to allow those feelings to get OUT of me. I was passionate, artistic, creative, highly entergetic. As a teenager I put a LOT of energy into trying to fit in and feling like I never would. I was always the new kid, short, poor, struggled in math, had horrid acne…..I had a close group of friends but alays preferred my alone time. I used to skip classes in high school and sit under the back stairs with my walkman listening to music and writing poetry. I was an odd blend of Rainbow Brite meets goth. I didn’t belong. Anywhere.
*What did you like about yourself? What didn’t you like? My writing. I knew from an early age I could write well and it flowed with ease. I also was a natural singer and dancer. I was great with kids. I started babysitting when I was 9. I loved kids. I didn’t like anything about my physical appearance. I had this idea in my head of what beauty was and I didn’t match ANY of those standards. I didn’t like how awkward I was in front of other people. My desire was to be a singer, a dancer, an actress. But performing in front of crowds pushed my anxiety up to high levels. I wasn’t as confident or pretty as the other girls I saw.
*How did you think others your age percieved you as a child? As a teenager? How did you think adults percieved you? As a young child I was hyper, unbridled and annoying by most. As a teenager,My peers tended to be intrigued by me but didn’t bother much with friendships. Iwasn’t so much an outcast in teh sense I was bullied/teased. It’s just that I refused to fit in anywhere and kids didn’t now what to DO with that. So they did nothing. People were mostly polite to me (besides the ocassional bully) but they kept their distance because associating outside of your peer group can get you ostrasized. I was the weird girl who wore neon tights and candy jewelry. I needed no one. I was odd and independent in a society of peers where fitting in was demanded of all. I spent years trying so hard to fit in and at age 15 I just quit caring. That resulted in me suddenly not being invisible. Irony.
*What were you good at? Not so good at? I was good at the arts. At reading. Creating things. Communicating with animals. Caring for young children. I was not so good at sitting still, shutting up, focusing.
*What were some things about you or your circumstances that you wished you could have changed as a child? As a teenager? I wished my family wasn’t so poor. That we didn’t have to move so frequently. I wished I was prettier. More popular. Could hang out with kids my age after school instead of taking care of my little brother.
*What are some things you say about yourself that you have always said abut yourself? I am awkward in social situations. I’m weird. I’m unique. I’m a good writer/actress/singer/dancer. I get along better with little kids than with people my own age. I have a heart that feels too much. I will never fit in anywhere. I am too kind/forgiving. I am easy to forget.
*What are some of the things you remember being told about your intellect? About your appearance? About your friends? About your abilities? (Think about both positives and negatives). Intellect: Because I struggled with math and science I was put in special classes for EVERY subject. despite the fact I was tested at a college level for reading and writing in 4th grade. Between that and the fact I was always in trouble for my ADHD causing me to be wiggly/silly/disruptive in school and it wasn’t long before I thought I was dumb. Appearance: I was teased as a kid by my peers for my big blue eyes. Adults on the other hand always went on about how much they loved my big blue eyes. I hated them. Because my peers were the ones whose opinion mattered to me. Friends: I had a vast array of friends. Everything from the straight A rich kids to the stoner drop outs. The bad ones were always blamed for my bad choices I made. I was always being compared to the good kids. “Why can’t you try to be more like so and so?” Abilities: Some abilities didnt matter. I would never be a dancer because my family coudlnt afford proper dance classes and school for it, etc… Other things were wasteful. I was constantly todl by adults that if I quit messing around, causing trouble, skipping class, being so silly and just applied myself, I coudl achieve anything. Adults got frustrated because they saw potential but they didn’t like my path.
*How do you handle compliments today? It has been only very very recently I have learned to say a simple thank you and accept a compliment at face value for what it is. I was taught to be humble and always felt to accept a compliment was to be cocky. Only recently have I realized it’s okay to say thank you for a compliment. It still feels strange and awkward though. Like I don’t deserve it. Like, if they only really knew me….
*Who do you trust today? Why? I used to trust everyone. Because of being betrayed in the past I am far more cautious with my trust now. I still do trust more than most folks but I am very protective of my kids and loved ones. I am not as open of a book as I used to be. I do hope to someday be in a position to be that way again. But right now I feel like I have to protect my family and myself.
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The Reason I’m Not Justins Girlfriend Anymore

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I feel I need to explain things. Because so many of you are such a major part of my life and that means a LOT to me. You have followed my journey over the years and have been such an amazing support to myself and my Littles. You guys have a right to know the truth and why. This is going to be a hard blog to write but I am skipping Sunday Confessions this week just so I can tell you guys whats up. 

Before I explain exactly why and what happened yesterday, I want to be clear I will not in any way be bashing anyone. Justin is a GOOD man. Always has been. Despite the fact he has Super Saiyen hair. 😉 He has always taken the time to play with the kids and make them feel like they truly mattered. I appreciate that about him. My kids needed that experience with a good man. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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engaged3And in return I know he truly needed that time with them as well. They gave him purpose. You see, Justin has always loved children and wanted a large family. But he was told that the likelihood of him fathering a child of his own is very slim. So, this time as a family has given him the oppurtunity to be a father. I am grateful for that and I know he has been as well. 

engaged4 (see? Crazy hair.) 

He has always been good to me. I can’t say otherwise. This is a photo of the two of us out on our first date. 

engaged5We also had some pretty great at-home dates. This is the fort we built one night after the Littles went to bed so we coudl hang out and snuggle and watch a movie. 

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We spent a lot of time doing family stuff as well. We almost NEVER went anywhere by ourselves. Always had the kids with us. And although it led to some really fun times, it really is probably one of the main reasons he is no longer my boyfriend. Honestly, so many of our photos have at least one small child in them. Here is Lucy’s head in this photo of us at the beach. 

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He never really complained about it though. Never. He has always been a good Dad to my spawns. So, like I said, for their sake, I won’t say anything bad about him.

Heck, he has always made ME happy too. This is the evening we went to the Ben Folds concert. THAT was a great night. 

engaged9And I have been blessed up to this point to have him in my life. I won’t ever deny that. 

 

engaged8It’s just…….well, how do you explain when your heart just changes course? When you think you know exactly what life has mapped out for you but you realize you were were wrong? 100% irrefutably wrong. 

All I thought I wanted not so long ago, I think I have changed my mind. I want more. I am trusting my heart in this one and I hope you guys can understand and support me as I step out on a brand new path (scary stuff! But exciting!) with my children beside me. Onward and upward.

❤ 

Without sharing too many personal details, I will just leave you with a couple more photos that should explain a bit WHY Justin is no longer my boyfriend. 

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He got down on one knee, all gentlemanly and traditional-like. Like a boss.
And I said yes. (After jokingly saying no which scared the crap outta him for a second. I’m fucking HILARIOUS.)
That’s a heart-shaped rainbow topaz stone and it’s perfect and he’s perfect and I love it and I love him.
So, see? He’s NOT my boyfriend anymore.
He’s my mother effing FIANCE.
We’re betrothed and shit
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