This blog is going to be my most bluntly honest. So, if sexual talk and intimate language offends you, you may want to skip this blog.
Before I begin, let me remind you that yes, my relationship with Justin IS fairly new. (11 months now) so perhaps you would assume our sex life is hothothot because newnewnew. But what you need to know here is that I was 9 months pregnant when we moved in together. So, the very first time we had sex I was huge and uncomfortable and it was awkward at best. And then as soon as we had just started to get used to pregnancy sex I popped out a Lucy. Which meant no sex for a few weeks. And then once I had healed and we could play again, there was the awkwardness of dryness from breastfeeding, some discomfort from continued healing, breast milk leakage, a postpartum body that was far too squishy and fluffy for my liking. Oh, plus a newborn baby who wanted to eat 24-7, sleep deprivation, sore nipples and a job he was pulling 70-80 hours a week at. Altogether, our sex life was not really top of our priority list. And when it DID happen, it was filled with hurdles and obstacles. To be honest, on my part anyway, it became just another chore on my to-do list. Sure, I was sexually attracted to him. But as a mom of seven young children, I tend to put everything on a to-do list. Hell, showering gets put on that list and I consider it a good day if i can check it off the list at days end. Because stuff like washing dishes, ironing clothes, cooking meals, pumping breastmilk, doing school with the boys……all of this is top of the list. Sex gets thrown at the bottom. The bottom of the list is the “If I’m lucky” stuff. Like painting my nails, showering long enough to shave both legs and defrosting the freezer.And on the rare night I was done with my daily chores early, the last thing I honestly wanted was to put effort into shaving, lotioning, putting on something sexy and having a romp in the sheets. All I REALLY wanted was to sleep longer than 2 hours at a stretch. I was chubby with postpartum weight, dealing with PPD, and ohsoverytired. I had been whined at and tugged on and drooled on and sucked on and spit up on and clung to alllllll day. I just anted to shut off. Justin got to get out of the house and be around other people his age. I resented him some days and I resented the fact that he wanted to have sex with me. I was over touched and overwhelmed. I feigned headaches. I plopped Lucy in the bed right between us most nights just to make it clear that it was nothing but sleep tonight big boy.
But then I saw mention of a 30 Day Sex Challenge on a sex talk page on FaceBook and it intrigued me. I learned through some research that the premise of it began when a woman named Charla Muller decided for her husbands 40th birthday she would gift him the promise of a full 365 days of sex. In a row. The result of that gift/experiment, are chronicled in her book 365 Nights: A Memoir Of Intimacy. It changed her entire marriage in dramatic ways.
Here is the deal: And ladies, pay attention. We have this habit of putting sex on a list and putting it pretty low on our list of priorities. It becomes a chore, a task, a job, an obligation. We find ourselves getting annoyed when our man is asking for it all of the time. He just doesnt understand what it is like to be touched all damn day by kids. He doesnt realize how TIRED we are. How can we feel sexy after wading through the demanding, messy, exhausting, frustrating trenches of mother hood all day? There is nothing sexy about sweaty pits and day 3 of not brushing hair and yoga pants and spit up in our cleavage and baby poop smeared on our damn yoga pants. (How did that even GET there?) We don’t have the energy to put into being fun and sexy anymore. We just want to take a bath and sip a glass of wine and for the love of god please oh please let us sleep until the sun comes up just once. I get it. I really do. I’ve been there. Annoyed with sexual advances. Aggravated that he can’t SEE how freaking TIRED I am. Embarassed by the cellulite on my ass and the flabby mama tummy and the leaky boobs.
Did you ever stop to see the illogic in this entire situation? I know I sure didn’t. Think about it for a minute. Here is this man who is your partner in life and he finds you so amazingly sexy and gorgeous that he wants to touch you and taste you and make love to you. he doesnt notice the yoga pants or circles under your eyes or extra fluff on your midsection because all he sees is his queen.He sees your strength and softness, your curves and lips and laughter and femininity. You turn him on. Still. And on top of that…umm….excuse me….but WHY are we putting something so damn FUN at the BOTTOM of our list? I mean, sure, I have responsibilities. But why the HELL am I putting that laundry pile ahead of something so enjoyable? Why am I going to mop the kitchen like a damn martyr in search of the “Super Mom” award, when I could be in the bedroom burning calories and feeling GOOOOODDDD? How stupid can WE be as women sometimes? Wah wah wah, my man wants to bring me to ecstasy and bring passion to my life, he sees me as more than just the mother of his children. Um….yeah, I realize now how bass ackwards that truly is. I’m a dummy. Gimme 20 minutes of great sex with some kissing and caressing and a rock solid orgasm at the end and I’ll have a nice bounce in my step when I attack tomorrows to-do list.
So, I did my own experiment. 30 Days Of Sex. exactly what it sounds like. Nothing special. I just commited to 30 days of sexual intimacy with my boyfriend. Day one was exciting. It was a new adventure. But day 2, and 3 and even 4…..I started to think I had made a mistake. I was still feeling like it was on my to-do list. I felt obligated to it. But the funny thing is, even when I wasn’t really in the mood, once we got the ball rolling, I would get into it. I would start it thinking “Well tonight will be for him because I’m too damn tired. No way I am going to get off. I’m just not feeling it tonight.” And before I knew it I was quivering in orgasm and thinking “Holy shit!” Andrea Macari, a clinical sex therapist explains that the more you HAVE sex, the more you WANT sex. And it began to prove true for me. It didn’t take long before I started really looking forward to our nights. Planning in advance. I bought my first toy and we tried it as part of our routine one night. THAT as pretty awesome. 🙂 One night I lit candles and put on sexy lingerie and we made love. it was amazingly romantic. We kissed and explored each others bodies a lot that night. We tried different positions and learned to trust each other deeper as we communicated what we did and didn’t like. It REALLY opened up our communication! not only did we become more open in our sex talki, sharing fantasies, telling each other what we wanted during sexy time, etc…But we found trust and security and safe haven in our bedroom and that began to seep out into the rest of our relationship. I trusted this man wholly with the worship of my body so why wouldn’t I trust him by sharing my deepest emotions or worries or dreams? We began to talk more daily. Not just two ships passing on a sea, but now we took time to stop and SEE each other and be a couple. He began to touch me more, coming up behind me in the kitchen to kiss my neck while I cut carrots for dinner. I sent him sexy pictures to his phone. we flirted more. I was reminded of who I truly was, not just mom….but a sexual, beautiful, strong woman. And his ego was stroked as well.
I had expected our relationship might get a bit stronger as a result of this experiment. And it truly surpassed THOSE expectations. But what I didn’t expect was the other results.
I noticed one day, about a week in to the 30 Days of Sex, that I was far more calm and relaxed. My son made a comment one day about how he liked when I was silly. I hadn’t been silly in a long time. I had been so busy being busy. And PPD was twisting my perception of myself. I was always so tightly wound and stressed and overwhelmed. Suddenly I was laughing a lot more. I was smiling more. I was taking time to slow down and just BE. I took extra time to make myself pretty each day in preparation of that nights sexy time. And that extra time spent helped me begin to see beauty in my mirror again. I didn’t see the tired, worn out, chubby girl I had seen. Suddenly I saw something new. I saw the sensual curves of hips and thighs, the sexy smile I had, the sparkle in my eyes, the awesome mom tummy I had that wasn’t rock hard and thin but had grown LIFE within it and was damn sexy because of it. I was Justin’s princess. His goddess. He brought me home flowers. He left me little love notes around the house. I began to initiate sex more. And more. We role played. We tried new things. It was freaking awesome. I was far more confident in myself as a woman, not just in bed (although I sure found my confidence there. Nothing like delivering a great blow job or doing a superb job with woman-on-top to make you feel powerful and HOT.) but in ALL areas of my life. My anxiety issues got smaller. Justins stress and crankiness from his job calmed down. Traffic didnt make him as ragey as it used to. He walked with newfound confidence. Our nightly escapades seriously impacted our entire family and our lives in general. It was pretty badass.
And I’m not saying he proposed on day 26 because of this 30 day experiment. But I can’t say it WASN’T because of it either. 😉
We are currently on day 40 of the experiment because 30 days is piddly in the grand scheme of AWESOMENESS! Why quit something good? It has become a regular part of our repretoire. Sometimes it’s a romantic night of leisurely lovemaking after a sweet date night. Some nights it’s a quickie on the couch. Some nights it’s a good fucking and on the first couple days of my period it’s blowjobs because I’m just not into intercourse on those nights. All in all, I have been more than pleasantly surprised with the outcome. I would strongly encourage any couple I know to give this a shot. If your relationship is rock solid, it will only keep your walls that much more solid.If your relationship is faltering right now, it might just bring it back from the dead and amaze you at the doors of potential it can open. Not very night is going to amazing and mind-blowing. But from what I have learned, even if you aren’t really in the mood at the moment, enough touching and kissing and licking and sucking can get almost anyone in the mood after awhile. It’s better than any diet pill, antidepressant, anti-anxiety pill, drug, drink, work out regiment. It’s intimacy and love and sexy sexy fun times with the person you love. It’s worth a shot, right?
Like Nike says: Just Do It!
You might just end up with some pretty great results yourself!