Sunday Confessions: Sex

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MoreThanCheeseandBeer

Great. Awesome. Fanfreakingtastic. The first week I finally have my shit together enough to manage to sit and write out a blog for Sunday Confessions and the topic just happens to be SEX. My mom reads this blog. So does my Gram and my brother. I have thousands of readers. Who all nwo get to read my thoughts on sex.
Ya know what? Screw it.
Let’s be real here, guys. You ll know I have 7 kids, right? And we can all agree they didn’t get dropped off at my doorstep by magical unicorns, right? (Man, that would have been SO COOL though…..) So, the fact is….I have had sex. Okay? Quite a bit of sex. Some casual drunken sex before I had kids. Some lame sex. Some quickies. Some long amazing candle lit lovemaking sessions. Some sex that just didn’t do it for me in the least. (meh) and some that rocked my world. All in all, I can say I like it. It ranks right up there with chocolate. (Except chocolate can’t make you pregnant.) \
But…..here’s my confession.
I like sex WAY better at 34 compared to how much I liked it in my 20’s. WAY more. (Did I mention WAY more?)
And here is what is WEIRD about that fact.
When I was in my 20’s I had perkier boobs. They were adorable. And sat up high on my chest all alert and snug in their sexy lacy bras. Now, my boobs are softer, lower, and like to hang out in a so-not-sexy nursing bra. Ya know the kind, the ones that unflap in the front for easy access and sometimes you forget to re-hook the flap and walk around for hours with your nipple out? No? Just me? Nevermind. Anyway, in my 20’s I was ripped. I went running a few times a week but other than that, I ate like crap and sat on my lazy ass a lot and I STILL had a frickin six-pack tummy. I was 98 pounds, toned and tan before I had my first son. I had no cellulite and swore to never have any. I was the epitome of being in shape. Now? I weigh 140, the heaviest I have ever been without harboring a fugitive spawn in my belly. (I actually GAINED 3 pounds this past month while dieting and working out. Don’t EVEN get me started.) I have hips. My thighs rub together when I walk. My ass…..let’s just say I have one now. And it thinks it might be a great idea to become one with my thighs. And that same stupid ass has cellulite now. I have the body of a 34 year old woman who has pushed 7 humans out of her vagina. (For the record, thanks to my obsession with kegels, I have the vagina of a 24 year old. 😉 But everything else…..fahgedaboutit. ) My point is, according to medias portrayal of sexy…I am NOT. Sexy I mean. I am failing at that.
But the thing is…I FEEL SO MUCH SEXIER these days. Why? Well, because I am a mother fucking badass first of all. I can grow people in me and then push those people out of my body, often without any help from drugs.I can feed a person with my body. Perky tatas are nice, but even nicer is a tiny human falling asleep at my breast, their tiny little hand splayed out like a starfish on my chest. I am strong. Capable. I can move heavy furniture or install an a/c or fix the toilet all by myself. I am a good mom. A talented singer and writer. A true friend. A woman of integrity and faith. I am loved. And all of these things give me confidence and power. And that confidence and power make me feel sexier. And that sexiness helps me enjoy sex.
Because good sex is not about lingerie or looking a certain way or any of that noise. It’s about being in touch with and totally at ease with your own sexuality. And then finding a person who respects you as that and loves you as that. (Even if that person happens to be you. High five for solo-sexy-time. …..No? Too weird?)
I see so many kids these days in such a rush to have sex. Like it’s a rite of passage or something. I wish they would understand how very much more it is. It’s about embracing every inch of yourself, both body and soul, and falling madly in love with that person.Its not all about orgasms or positions or frequency. It’s about passion and gentleness and romance and fun and laughter (yes laughter. Don’t try telling me you never once had a reason to laugh in the middle of canoodling.)and closeness and respect and being REAL.
Oh, and being with a dude that can stand by your side and watch your vagina explode while a baby comes out of it and still proclaim you the most amazing and beautiful woman on earth…..well, that helps too.
And thus completes the most awkward blog I have ever written. To recap: I like sex. My body is awesome. Solo sexy time is fun. Sex with Justin is superflyawesomesauce. But just take my word for it. Don’t try to test that fact. I’m not afraid to cut a bitch.
ta ta folks! xo
*snorts* (I said ta-ta….tatas……*snort*)

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