Sunday Confession: Time


It’s fluid, really.
We are taught in school that it has some sort of concrete significance, that it can be stacked up, measured, confined, in proper boxes of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months……..

But as we grow older we learn that’s not true.
Time ebbs and flows through and around us, as if it is both separate from us and a tangible part of us. We become IT, and it becomes US.

Time is the fact I still sometimes catch myself feeling like that awkward, uncertain 13 year old girl, filled with curiousity and shyness and fervor for dreams. Time is the laugh that bursts from my lips as if I am 8 years old once again. Time is what happened while I was busy charging forward into life.

Time. Its’ funny how it can change absolutely everything and somehow keep things the same. It’s a great paradox.
Look back……and find yourself surprised by how much time has passed since……

19 years since I sat at my desk in school at age 15 thinking of what I would someday name my daughter. Destiny Starr. 12 years since I miscarried that daughter. 8 days since I finally got to hold my first daughter in my arms.

31 years since I proclaimed I wanted to be a Mother. 14 years ago when I took my first positive pregnancy test.

21 years since I first read a bible verse and begun to learn about God. 19 years since I got baptized. 12 years since I told God I hated him. 3 years since I found my way back to my “Daddy”. 4 hours since the last time I talked with Him.
6 years since the first time a man hit me. 1 year ago since the last time.
20 years ago since the first time I ever sang a solo in public.(accapella for a Christmas special.) 1 day since the last time I sang in my kitchen while preparing dinner for my family. (Because some dreams simply matter more.)
13 years since I exchanged vows in a church. 7 years since I’ve seen his face.
3 years since my fiance passed away.
15 years since my first pet died.
12 years since the cancer scare.
18 years since I won an award for a poem I wrote.
19 years since I made it to the Nationals level in a competition for a one-man-play I wrote, produced and performed.
6 years ago since I wrote my first on line piece that got published.
This is me.
This is Time passing.
This is who I am becoming, who I was, who I am, who I shall be….The broken parts and the whole parts, the shadows and the sunshine, the hopes and the parts that relented to reality and gave in. This is my battle and my triumph, my stumbles and my tragedies, my glories and my beauty.
Time does that. Paves out a way on the untrodden path. Carves out a design into solid rock. Whether you stand stubbornly, feet planted in the dirt, arms crossed and refuse to acknowledge it or embrace it freely, arms wide open, free and accepting….it really won’t effect the way time moves. The only thing your attitude can change is how easy this journey is.
So, let it go, let it be. The good, the bad, the wonders, the hurts….whatever will be will be.


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