Hey, god. It’s me again, your girl, Tonia. Sorry I haven’t been in touch much lately. Sometimes I’m really good at staying in touch, at bringing my worries right to you, at lifting my hands in praise for the good stuff. It’s not that I don’t still fully trust you with the details or thank you for the blessings..I just…forget to tell you.Look, there really isn’t any point in me making fumbling excuses here. I’m your girl, always have been. You know my heart. Right?
It’s true too, we both know it. I HAVE always been your girl. Through every messy step of this journey.
The day I entered this world. Came in all red-faced pulled out by forceps, the cord wrapped around my neck. You were there. Through every uncertain wobbling step forward throughmy childhood and into adulthood. You were there. watching. waiting. loving.
That day that man touched me. Made me freeze like a deer in headlights with his large hand on my barely-budded breast under my shirt, lifted my hair up and licked my neck….the memory still makes my skin crawl. You were there. raging for your daughter.
The day I was told my second child had died in my womb. My echoing aching sobs in that awful doctors office with the too-white everything, my face pressed into my husbands strong shoulder. And the next night, after the D&C operation….when I fell to the cold pavement outside of the exit and was wheeled back in and had to argue with a doctor to NOT give me a blood transfusion because i just wanted to go HOME…..and the next night…when my husband had to go back to work and I was all alone with only my toddler son asleep in the other room. I remember sitting by the window in the living room and looking way up at those stars and making an official proclamation of how very deeply and truly I hated you, how I would never ever forgive you for allowing this terrible thing to happen. I vowed to never speak to you again. Because I felt like you had failed me.
You hadn’t though, had you? Not really. Life happens. I realize now I wouldn’t want to believe in a God who treated us all like puppets.I respect your respect for the ebb and flow of consequences and living and circumstance. I don’t always agree with it….but I respect it.
Not always right away though.
The day the police came to my door and ushered me outside and I closed the door on my children who I had just been having a wonderful happy day with and we were right in the midst of baking cookies…..and he told me “Tonia…we have some bad news….Ken passed away last night.” And my knees hit the wooden walkway without me even realizing I had dropped down and the sobs wrenched from me…..I didn’t respect you so much then, I admit it. Not then. I couldn’t see beyond the black void of pain. And then that next day….standing in the pouring, drenching rain behind my moms house, wondering stupidly why my damn cigarette wouldn’t stay burning until it fell apart in the rain and it dawned on my it was raining and then it dawned on me Ken would never ever ever not ever see another rainstorm….never see Spring come…would miss the Superbowl….and I hated you with fiery passion in that moment. I raged at you, didn’t I? Like throwing fists at a solid cement wall. But still I did it. Cussed at you. Spat your name out to the ground. Demanded an explanation.
You were there though…weren’t you? When I took that bus across the country to bury him in his hometown. When I met his family for the very first time. When I kissed his lips and they felt like ice….when I touched his hand and it felt like velvet over stone but yet still so familear…you were there in that hushed room of ache.
When my ex threw fists and kicks in my direction…when bones cracked within me, when flesh popped beneath his teeth, when I was curled up in a ball weeping in fear and resignment as he battled out his demons on my body…you were there, crying with me. I know that now. You were there too, the night I finally found my voice and used it to tell him to go, stood on teh porch and watched him back out of the drive in the van and realized I would miss the van a heck of a lot more than I would miss him. You were there to keep me strong, to help me heal.
You’ve been my one constant. even when I myself have been a perpetual whirlwind of indecision and mistakes and wrong turns and running smack-dab into trees and walls and wasting ages and ages of time treading water…still you waited for me. every hurtful word I hurled at you you saw for what it really was….just your girl, having a tantrum….easing out the hurt in her heart the only way her humanity knew how.
I would say I’m sorry. But like I said, you already know my heart. I would say thank you…but again…..what are words in the face of my very soul song singing out to you with every heart beat? You are my all in all, my Father, my lover, my savior…I am overwhelmed.
It’s funny, how we humans cant see the big picture so we get to questioning every single stupid puzzle piece….shaking fists at the great big sky demanding some sort of closure or answer or something that we think would satiate our hurt and ease the grief…..but nothing really ever could anyway. You know that. We often forget. But you never do.
I love you,God.