They say time flies when you’re having fun but I can’t really say this ride has been all that fun thus far. Seems life kept getting in the way of you and I really getting in some solid bonding time together despite my best intentions. Thats life as a single pregnant mother of six young boys. Prenatal yoga, hypnobirthing recordings, love letter journaling….it was a lot of stuff that I kept setting on the back burner because so many other things called for and demanded my attention rightthisverymoment. And now, here i am, awaiting your arrival any day now and I realize how un-ready I feel.
I mean, not the logical and responsible stuff. The adorable cloth diapers are all stacked, The baby clothes and blankets and such are all freshly laundered and folded and waiting on their shelves. The bin with all of my home birth supplies is stocked.
It’s the emotional side that feels like it was tossed in to this ill-prepared. And it dawned on me tonight that perhaps the delay in your birth comes more from my emotional side holding on to some things. Because often in birth, emotions and physical reaction are so very closely entwined. So, I thought I would take this time to write to you and clear the air of some tings and perhaps pave an easier entrance for you.
Let me begin by saying that although your existence has certainly complicated my life in some major ways, I cannot feasibly see how this really is a bad thing. At first, the loss of your father seemed to me to be the true loss. But the fact is, I would have eventually discovered his true colors anyway. And my determination to protect you and fight for you led to me making a major move, and finding myself smack dab in the dead center of stability and security and peace and happiness and hope. I don’t know if steps this drastic would have been taken if not for you. Your existence basically forced me to step straight out of my comfort zone. I often look back at my past, at things I could very easily say I regret, and instead I find them to be blessings. So, I am wise enough at this point to see how your life within me already has, and shall continue to bring me down uncharted pathways that may possibly be nothing but better than anything I could ever have imagined fir my own self.
Maybe you are another son. I joke about how I would lose my mind if so….and though yes, I think I would find a small art of me saddened at the prospect of never having a daughter…..well, I also know the joy and love and spirit that your 6 brothers have brought to my life. If there already happen to be 6 young men here who are all so very unique…well, it is exciting to imagine what YOU will be like.
Or perhaps you are finally my “someday daughter”. The one I have waited my entire life to come home to me.
What I do know, is that right now , a part of me feels very ashamed as a mother to admit I do not feel as bonded to you as I have to my previous babes in utero. But looking back at the past 9 months it is an understandable situation. I can’t blame myself nor can I beat myself up over it. All I really can do is take this moment right now to tell you I love you,
I love you so much I would move your brothers and myself halfway across a country to ensure that I can keep you away from harm and threats. I love you so much I would do anything for you. It is what a mother DOES, what a mother IS. Even with storms raging all around, a mother stands up to face it all with LOVE. That is my gift to you.
This birth…this entire process of bringing you into our world, out family, at home…..I have my moments of fear or daunting worry. Not really about YOUR well being. Hell, I have planned for this my entire life and am so very thankful I finally have the proper circumstances to be able to labor and birthe freely at home. I worry more for my own weaknesses. That I might reach a point of self doubt and want to quit. Because honest to God, this birth will bring TWO people into being. One is you, the other is the mother and woman I have always known deep down I could be. I need you t believe in me just as much as i am believing in you. We are in this together.
You’re rolling and stretching as I type this to you. I pause every few moments to watch my stomach ripple and bump up. The awesome miracle of life never ceases to amaze me. I said “Holy shit!” with my first child, I still say “holy shit!” when I see YOU move within me. I am humbled with gratitude that god finds me worthy of being your mother.
I don’t have any doubt that the love and bonding will grow with invincible power and fire after you are here. You and I, we are two parts of one whole right now. You listen all day to my heart beat. I am the only person on earth aware of every single hiccup you have or kick you make. We are each others greatest secrets.
Come forth soon, sweet child. Not only because I have had some very long tiring days recently. But also, I long to look deep into your sage, watery eyes and catch a glimpse of God, and smell the sent of heaven on your skin, and finally meet another sliver of my future face-to-face.
I love you.
Hear my heart beating it out to you? All day long.
It speaks nothing but the truth.
Because the heart can never lie.
I love you.
Love Always and Beyond,