A fellow blogger pointed out to me how tricky this Sunday Confession topic is since she wasn’t really sure she ever HAD sexy in the first place, therefore, how would she write about bringing it BACK?
I must concur.
back when I more closely fit into the cookie cutter version of what our society deems “sexy”, all I ever did was walk around feeling inadaquete. Not pretty enough. I had acne prone skin that I layered foundation and powder over to hide. My breasts were not full enough, voluptous enough. So, I went out and bought a Wonder Bra. I wasnt tall enough. I wa petite, more “cute” than “sexy”. I wasn’t blonde. I wasnt a barbie doll. I had no hips, no ass. So, I spent a small fortune on hair products and make up and outfits. Spent hours making my hair sleek and shiny and smooth. Dressed in skin tight jeans or little skirts with boots that cost a whole paycheck. Paid attention to trend and fashion.
And hell, I looked good. Sure I did. I can look at photos of me 15 years ago and see that fact for myself. i was a beautiful girl.
Problem is, I was really just as pretty without all that stupid crap. Without the facade. I just didnt knwo it then.
Even all dolled up and ready to go out, I didnt feel it. Not then.
A decade and a half later. I’ve changed. Ive stopped worrying about trend and follow my own pathway now. Silky hair has been replaced by dreadlocks, some all goofy and bendy and silly like my spirit, others loose and free, like my heart. I wrap some up in brightly-hued string and decorate others with beads. I dont pay much attention to fashion trends these days. I prefer clothes that make me feel comfortable. Flowing skirts and fitted tanks. Because if I’ve learned nothing else, I know this. That a woman who walks with assuredness and ease, with her head held high and her feet planted solid on this earth, is the most sexy thing on earth.
My breasts are softer now. Shaped differently. Ive nursed 6 baby boys with them. And donated milk to 3 other babies. My breasts are badass, basically. Who gives a rip about perkiness when I can provide sustenance and comfort and love with mine? I have hips now. Hips to balance a toddler on while I cook dinner. Hips to sway while dancing in the livingroom with my children. Hips a man loves to hold onto. I’ll never wear a size 0 pants again, but I’ve got CURVES. A real ass now. Full. I dont have the torso of a teenage boy any more. I’ve got the body of a woman. A woman who has birthed children. A woman who has built things, fixed things, cooked meals, scrubbed floors, worked hard, danced, made love, hiked, swam……
sexiness is not really about the shape of your breasts or the curve of your thighs. its not about perfect hair or clear skin.
Its about being who you are. And liking who you are. Its about throwing away the measuring stick you use to check to be sure you match everyone elses standards, and just embracing who you are deep inside.
What brings you joy? What makes your face light up? What makes you throw your head back and laugh? What sort of magic do you hold within your heart? Be that. Set aside the bullshit on tv or in magazines. Because guess what? Wrinkles around your eyes show the world how many times youve laughed and smiled. Gray hairs show your journey thus far, where youve been and what youve learned. Soft hips, soft breasts….these things show the way a woman can be soft yet strong.
And listen to your lover. Your husband or boyfriend or girlfriend. when they tell you how sexy you look stepping out of the shower or cooking dinner in yoga pants or walking away in a ponytail and bare feet……believe them. Dont roll your eyes. Dont wave away their words. Take them in and allow yourself to believe them. You may not ever make it to the cover of a “beauty” magazine, but to that person at least, you are a mother fucking goddess in human skin.
Start believing it in yourself.
I am currently 33 weeks pregnant. And 34 years old. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. And irony of ironies, this is the sexiest I have ever felt. i have made some big changes in both my life and my mindset recently. This has changed everything else. I feel so very empowered and sexy now. Womanly. Mother Earth-ish. Stunning. Amazing. Beautiful. And I am so very in love with all of the women in my life who are incredibly sexy in their own wonderful ways. The crooked smiles, the muscles in legs, the way they laugh, the way they cradle their children, the way their hands look holding flowers, the way they sound when they speak about their passions and drives. THAT is pure sexiness.
Maybe its time we bring THAT back.