Monthly Archives: October 2013

Here’s A Diaper For Your Mouth Because You’re Just Talking Shit

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Pardon me, but I’m going to be a bit blunt here.
I wasn’t raised that way. In fact, it took me a very long time to learn it was ok to say no to people. To speak up and say “hey, this is what I need in order to be happy.” without feeling guilty and selfish for it. I have gotten braver and more outspoken over the past couple of years. It feels good.
BUT, I still have class. I know when to bite my tongue. I know when it really just isn’t appropriate to make a comment. But apparently some people have no clue about class.
You all know those people. The ones who share too many details about their sex life. The ones that like to dive headfirst into your personal life as if they own it, making comments about how you raise your kids or when youre going to have a baby or any of that crap.
I get it all the time. You would be surprised how many people think it is not only their right, but somehow their duty to tell me how I should discipline my children or how many babies I should have. It is MINDBLOWING to me, frankly. I mean, sure, if my kids are running around like wild banshees and I am pulling my hair out in stress saying “I don’t know what to do!” , then by all means. perhaps a little helpful tip would be appreciated. If I am crying because I am pregnant and don’t WANT to be, then go ahead and give me a number to a adoption clinic or tell me what form of birth control you use and love.
But Jesus Christ people, do NOT assume I need your HELP here.
I was 3 years old the first time I told my mom I wanted to be a Mommy when I grew up. By age 14 I had decided I wanted at least 6 kids. the reason for this is I had a youth group counselor at church who was the mother of six and their home was filled with so much fun and love and laughter and faith…..I wanted that for my future. And I have it. I am right now, this very moment, living the life I always wanted and dreamt of. I am happy. Grateful. Blessed. There is a pot of home made bean soup simmering on the stove, the house smells like homemade bread. 4 of my sons are playing happily and quietly together in one of the bedrooms right now. Another is resting beside me in my bed. My eldest is at a friends house down the street.My man is asleep in the spare room after working 3rd shift.The house is clean and the sun is streaming through the windows and life is very very good.
I understand some people do not EVER want kids. And that’s great. I don’t care. Its their life and their va jay jay and if they dont ever want to have a child, rock on. Go do what makes you happy. I also understand their are moms who only want one or two or three kids. That’s cool too. I don’t care how many kids you pop out and raise. Why should I? It doesnt impact MY life. how damn ignorant would it be for me to look at my friends who onlyhave a couple kids and go “oh, YOUR life isn’t as fun and fulfilling as MINE. Why don’t you have a bunch more kids?”
But some people think its cool to do exactly that to moms of large families. I have had people actually suggest I go have an abortion. (That was with baby number 6. She actually offered to drive me to a clinic to get it done.) I have had perfect strangers and not perfect strangers alike watch me take a moment to focus on a child or two and speak firmly with them and they will make some comment about “And you want ANOTHER one???”
Look, maybe you enjoy your life of uninterrupted conversations and relaxed dinners. Thats grand. I don’t envy you though. I really don’t. So step back and stop thinking I must be so overwhelmed and stressed and in too deep. Do I get stressed at times? Sure. the same way a mom with one kid has her moments. Honest to God, I was MADE to be a mom. I’m good at it. I love it. I don’t see it as a bother or a hindrance or a burden. I don’t long for child-less vacations or any of that crap. Some day these kids will be grown and gone and I will have the rest of my life for that.
You know what I get? I get the satisfaction of watching my boys devour a meal I made from scratch, and ask for seconds. I get to see my man dressed for work in the uniform I washed for him. I get to hear my kids first words and see first steps and that beats any amount of money a career could give me. I get to educate my sons at home and when they learn a new skill or concept I get the pleasure of knowing I helped them learn it. We always have enough people for an impromptu game of soccer or football in the backyard. Wrestling matches in our bedroom are epic. Holidays are filled with noise and love and laughter. Big jobs become easy with so many helping hands. I never have to carry in groceries. I am not struggling or regretful.
And neither is The Man.
trust me, I’ve been over it and over it with him. I’ve had 3 other men walk out because they didn’t want the responsibility. A crew of Littles simply did not mesh with their plans of drug use and partying. So, they walked. And I have asked The Man so many times if he is really SURE about this that he is sick of me asking. He has made it abundantly clear he considers this his family.I have never pushed it on him or made demands of him. Ever. But he gets up every day and goes to work and when he gets paid he prioritizes out money for the bills first and he never complains. He is a good man. And here because he WANTS to be.
and if he and I decide to have 23 more kids, that’s OUR business. Only ours. And if we decide this baby in my womb right now is the last one I ever carry, that’s also OUR business. Not yours. You aren’t the one making these children. you aren’t the one raising them or disciplining them or any of that. The only way I have to answer for the children I have to this world is by raising them right. If I am raising assholes who are going to grow up to be criminals or whatnot, then that becomes your business.
But I am doing my damndest (The Man too) to raise young men of honor and integrity. Men who put others first and give charitably and are peacekeepers and peacemakers. Men who make this world a better place.
So, to re cap. I don’t need your pity or your snide remarks about birth control or abortion. I’m good.
Stop assuming. 7 kids may be too many to YOU. But it’s okay for me.
Mmm’kay?

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What’s New?

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Well, seeing that I am just so clearly excelling at my whole “I’m Gonna Blog Every Single Day” plan, I guess I should begin getting back on track by doing a family update. especially since I apparently now have quite a few new readers.
So……Hi! My name is Tonia and this is my blog. Sometimes I ramble. Sometimes I vent. Sometimes I try to answer questions or share my thoughts on specific topics. This blog is a strange love child of my OCD and ADHD. What that means is multiple times a day my ADHD brain goes “OOOOhhh! I should write about that! Yes! I have lots and lots to say about that subject!” But then my OCD brain butts in and goes “um…excuse me, but can you form your thoughts into coherent concise sentences? can you clearly portray your emotions on this subject? Do your readers even WANT to read that crap?”
And usually my OCD brain wins only because my ADHD brain finds something shiny to play with or starts dancing to a song in the kitchen or decides to wander off to pick flowers…….
So. Anyway. Whats new here in my little corner of this world?
Well, I am currently 15 weeks pregnant now. Feeling FABULOUS now that the miserable morning sickness and exhausted stage is over. I’m all glowy and energized and feeling all adorable and curvy and loving my belly bump. I’ve been feeling the baby boot around for a good while now and I am just utterly in LOVE.
Life is beautiful controlled chaos here every day recently. I’ve come to terms with the fact that two of my six sons have Aspergers so we are delving into educating ourselves better on that front and gaining support from other folks dealing with that issue. I don’t do medicines or anything so we are learning to utilize behavioral management and coping skills, etc…. Its been a learning process for myself and The Man as well as the boys. Add that issue to the toddler who spends his days destroying everything, dunking kitties in toilets, throwing shoes in trash cans…….While I am attempting to home school 4 of the 6 boys……Yeah. My days are…….FULL. To say the least. But its a GOOD kind of full. I have so many friends right now who have lost their precious children and I find myself just so very overwhelmed with gratitude to have my sons here. Chaos and craziness and messes and noise and all. I’m blessed. And once you have lived through the real messy crap of an abusive relationship like I have, you find the lovely craziness of daily silliness and laughter and all that to be so very freeing and wonderful. This is hands down the happiest my life has ever been.
The Man. Ah The Man. For my long-term readers, You know the back story. For the newer folks, a quickie rundown is I spent 2 years with a physically and verbally abusive man. Back in April I finally found the courage to kick him out. (scariest moment of my life. But one I look back on now with pride.) Chris came into my life shortly after and I was NOT looking for any relationship at that point. At all. But somehow…..well, life happened. And we had barely been together 2 months when birth control failed. A HUGE surprise in the form of a positive pregnancy test. My hands shook when I showed him. I thought for sure he would freak out and leave. Because what many of you do not know about The Man is he is only 23. I have 6 sons. Imagine taking on the responsibility of 6 boys that are not your own plus your own baby on the way with a girlfriend you are still in the early stages of a relationship with. At age 23. I don’t know how many times I told him it was okay if he wanted to go, to find a girl his age to be with that didnt already have this huge pre made family. I would have understood if he left.
And for 3 days he DID leave. Not to be with anyone else. Just to think. And it was a hell of a 3 days for me. I didn’t sleep. I cried a lot and prayed even more and waited. I imagined what it would be like if he chose to not come back. I realized at that point how much I truly loved him.
But he did come back. And he is putting 100% into this. all of it. He makes a huge effort to spend time with each of the boys one on one, to build relationships with them. He works his ASS off. We are currently car-less so he rides a bike back and forth to his 3rd shift job. (we live a solid 20 minute car drive from town.) he never complains. He just does it. Because its what needs to be done. He listens to me when I need to vent or am feeling overwhelmed with worry or concern or whatever my brain happens to be doing in its crazy hormonal state that day. He listens. He is a man of few words and that can be frustrating at times because I am all about hashing things out verbally.But he does listen, and tries his best to apply what he hears from his heart. I respect him so much for that.
Life is what it is. Maybe Chris and I would have just been some casual thing and he would have been on his way by now if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. But that changed the entire dynamic and he may not be perfect but neither am I. And I cannot say one bad thing about a man who at 23 years old says “Hey, I’m gonna change the entire direction of my life because I love this woman and she is having my child.” Thats huge. I tell him every day how much I love him and appreciate all that he does. Back when our relationship began a reader commented on a blog telling me how wrong I was to jump into a relationship with him. Maybe just maybe she was right. But you know what? Life happens while we are busy making plans. And here I am. Happy. And blessed. My kids love him. I love him. The other day I was having an emotional hormonal day and was crying and asked him WHY he was here with me and he said “Because of what you give me.” And I was all woe is me, pity blahblahblah and sniffled out through my tears “What do I possibly give you? Im hormonal and crazy and getting fat.” and he said “A family. All of this. You’re giving this to me.” Then I started crying because he was so damn sweet.
Our house can be loud at times. We fight. we yell. we debate. We make messes. We get silly. we do pillow fights and wrestling matches and hikes in the woods and football games in the backyard and we all pile into our room to watch movies and we say I love you a lot and we always give hugs goodbye and hello. Its beautiful and marvelous and wonderful and perfect.

A Letter To 16-Year-Old Me

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Dear 16-year-old me,
Let me begin by telling you that everything you believe to be so very earth-shattering and of upmost crucial importance, really isn’t. I swear to God, nothing is as major a deal as you see it to be. That boy that just crushed your heart and left you curled up on your bed crying into your pillow…..that boy you swore you were going to spend forever with? Yeah. You’ll barely be able to recall his name in the future. His face will be nothing but a vague recollection of a blur in your mind. he isn’t going to be your forever. But you’ll have other loves along the way and neither will they. I don’t tell you this to bum you out. I just am trying to explain that every person we learn to love teaches us a new thing about ourselves. Life and love is really all about learning and accepting and growing and evolving. It comes and goes. You must learn to stand alone and never ever ever be only some guys girl.
You’re a lot stronger than you think you are. There will be times in your life you will look back and go “Holy shit, look what I made it through! Look what I did/made/accomplished/learned!” You’ll get your first apartment two years from now. And even though you’ll be so scared of living alone in a crappy area of town where the sirens blast by all night that you leave every light on all night long and check the locks a dozen times a night (and you’ll STILL get robbed one night while you sleep. You’ll wake up to your waitressing tips all gone. a solid $200 from a 12 hour shift on a weekend.) you’ll still stick it out and work hard and pay your bills and while all of your friends will still live at home with their parents,you’ll have your very own place.
And when your first husband leaves you one day for a girl 10 years younger than you, a barely 18 year old, and you fall apart in a sobbing mess of defeat….at some point you’re gonna recall how you lived all alone for 2 years in that apartment and did it well and a little voice in your head will remind you “You’ve lived without him or anyone else before and been perfectly happy. You can do it again. And you’ll start to see how nice it is to be single. You’ll be able to watch whatever you want on tv at night and eat straight out of the ice cream container and not have to share the chocolates and decorate any damn way you want to and not have stupid petty arguments over stupid petty crap with anyone because you will be queen of your domain.
There will be some rough stuff along the way. Like, I know you picked out the name of your first daughter last year. (You’ve wanted to be a mom your entire life.) I hate to tell you this, but although you were 100% right and you WILL get pregnant with a girl first, you won’t get to raise her. You’ll have an ultrasound at 20 weeks and the midwife will see only stillness. the loss of her will haunt you for a really long time. It will terrify you when you get pregnant again. But you’ll go on to have 6 healthy babies. (Just like you said you would.) Boys. Sorry about that. Thats just how life works sometimes. But don’t make that face. Its really not as bad as you think it is. Its actually super fun and awesome and wonderful to have boys. Seriously. I promise. You’re gonna love it. You’ll also lose 5 other babies in between all of the healthy ones. I can’t tell you why. You won’t ever find an answer to it all that gives you any real sense of true peace except that eventually you’ll be able to truly understand what that sort of loss feels like and therefore be better able to comfort and empathize with other women who lose babies.
You’ll find yourself questioning God a lot over the years.And sometimes He WILL give you an answer. With trumpets and doves and shooting stars of glory and wonder and gratitude. But other times …….other times He is gonna be nothing but very very very still and silent and maybe you will rail at the sky with fists shaking at the clouds and snot running down your face as you sob. Or maybe you will learn to hold your chin up and walk bravely on.
You’ll bury your best friend when you are 30. Your very first funeral and it will just happen to be the man you love and thought you would spend forever with.They’ll pull his water logged body from the river, the tiny black box with the rings in it in his pocket. You’ll see his body bag being loaded into the ambulance on the evening news. You’ll kiss his cold lips goodbye in the casket. Thats going to hurt like hell. You’ll have days of rage at God, days of utter numbness when you are only going to be a shadow in your own home, floating like a ghost straight through your children. You’ll carry a lot of guilt for a good year that he is gone and you will NOT be gone, will still be alive. You’ll learn to see that that was the last thing he ever wanted was for you to quit.
You’ll make some mistakes. Some really big ones. Some not-such-a-big-deal ones. You’ll do a whole lot of things right. You’ll raise those boys mostly by yourself fora real long time and they will be typical boys but you’ll instill manners and chivalry and passion and empathy in them. If there is nothing else in life you do right, THAT would be enough. More than enough. You’ll bless others. With kind deeds, with words, with prayers…in any way you can. You’ll keep carrying a big heart through life. You’ll prove to be a loyal friend. A diligent worker. A great mom. A pretty amazing homekeeper.
You will dance a lot with God. Your faith will be something of your own making on your own journey. Don’t worry so much about the laws and rules of religion that are being shoved down your throat right now. Those folks really do MEAN well, but they just have never really seen God or touched Him or tasted Him.You’ll learn its not really about anything but LOVE.
You know hwo concerned you are about how you LOOK right now?
Forget that shit.
Seriously. Please. Let it go. You walk around all day convinced the entire freaking universe is staring in disgust at that pimple on your nose…..guess what? They are all so caught up in their OWN insecurities and concerns and worries that they AREN’T EVEN NOTICING. I swear it’s true. Appearance is so darn important at 16. I understand that. I just want you to understand that it really doesnt amount to anything. Honestly, I’ve learned that all too often, the folks who look so perfect and primped and put together, are often the fakest , most miserable people on earth. And some of the kindest, funniest, wittiest, most amazing people you will EVER meet will be the ones who absolutely can NOT be fit into any sort of square hole. Stop looking at the surface. Start looking at the heart.
Stop being so damn hard on yourself.
You’re never going to be perfect. But you will always find you are exactly who and what and where you are supposed to be at any given moment. You have a purpose far greater than you can grasp. Don’t worry about it. Don’t go looking for it. Just live and love and learn. You’ll find it as you go.
Wear less makeup. Leave your freaking hair alone. Don’t kiss the boys too easily. Make them earn it. Be nicer to your brother. He’s a pain in the ass now but someday you’ll want him for a friend. Same goes for your mom. Keep writing poetry. When that preacher finds the poem you wrote about boys and love and sex and tells you he wants you to ask God for forgivness and burn it, take it back from him and simply walk away. You’ll regret it if you burn it. Keep singing. Don’t let the OCD make you obsess over picking at the acne. Its gonna leave scars. Don’t give your virginity to that guy you date at 19 years old. Trust me, it won’t be worth it. Wait until you meet your future husband. You’ll know who he is when you meet him. Trust me.
Find out who you are, who you want to be and fall madly in love with her. Some people may call you conceited to do so. Ignore that. If you love yourself, you wont settle for people who do not respect you or treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Love yourself. Love others. All others. Find the good in everyone. Love God. trust Him with the details.
Oh, and by the way, don’t ever lose your flair. You’re totally rockin the jet black hair and rainbow striped shirts and candy necklaces and lunchbox as a purse. For real. That individulaity is awesome. Be proud of it.
I adore you. Always. xoxo
Love,
33 Year-Old-Me ❤