Dear Someday (Maybe) Daughter:
This is the second letter I have found myself moved to write to you on my blog. I find you heavier on my mind in these past few weeks, as this pregnancy progresses and I often pause to wonder if you are already nestled within me, growing beneath my heart, or if I am carrying another son.
I know the politically correct thing to say is I want only a healthy baby. And frankly, if this newest child is a son, I know without a shadow of a doubt I will love him with such a deep passion and depth, just as I love his brothers who came before him.
But to be 100% honest here, I’ve been waiting a very long time for you. You who often visits me in my dreams, with your long wavy brown hair. You with a smile like a fairy. You who loves dancing and climbing trees, running and giving hugs. You whose very laugh can make the stars dance. I see friends who have daughters in all stages of life and I am envious for them. My friends who have baby girls with frilly dresses and giant flower bows perched on top of wispy hair on fat baby girl heads. My friends who have toddler daughters who wear leopard print leggings and sparkly tutus and have chubby cheeks and knees and speak oh-so-sweetly in toddler dialect and make that delicious stubborn-toddler-girl pouty face. Friends with teenage daughters who are growing into young women and finding their own strength and identity. Friends with grown daughters who share such a lovely friendship and are silly together.
I want that with you. All of it. I want the pink and the gentle fragility of a newborn baby girl. I want a daughter whom I can teach about loving her body, standing up for her beliefs, throwing a mean right hook, weaving flowers into crowns, empathy, acceptance, good poetry, dancing barefoot in the sand, making her own pathway through this life. I want all of it with you, my Someday Daughter.
I love my sons. Im good at this Mother Of Boys gigs. I really am. My life is such a fun blessing. I am grateful. I am complete.
And yet…..some times..in the quiet moments…I sense something still is missing here. Within my heart, within these walls, within our family.
I love you. I’ve loved you for years and years now. With every son I birthe, I cradle them close, baptize them in tears of joy and gratitude, and feel a teensy little twinge deep within my soul that whispers “Maybe someday…..”
My name is Tonia and I’ve carried you in my heart since I was 14 years old and first settled on a name for you. You are very much a part of myself. I hope I can meet you someday. Look into your eyes and tell you “Welcome home.”