I got a a pregnancy update via my email this morning. A notification that you are officially six weeks old in utero and are now approximately the same size as a lentil. I went to my pantry where a bag of lentils sat on my shelf and I held one in my hand and peered at it in wonder, pondering the awesome miracle that is you. Contemplating on how it could be possible that an entire future can begin with something so very small. Its mind blowing to me. Even though you are not my first child, by any means, I am never any less amazed at the miracle of life. That from almost nothing will come laughter and wonder and discovery and adventures. That you, as so very small as you are today, will go on to touch hearts and lives with your very existence. With your words and beliefs and talents.
It is almost overwhelming to me, that I am, right now, 100% responsible for keeping you safe and well within the depths of my own body. That every food I eat, drink I drink, breath I take, thought I have, emotion I experience…..that it all has some impact on you and your development and growth. It can be a daunting thing to realize, the weight of responsibility that comes with being a parent. Especially when I have lost babies in my past. I have bled and wept and cramped and mourned children I never even got to hold or meet. So, I am all too aware of how fragile and precious life truly is. It makes me even more grateful for you. For my body every day doing what it is meant to do and holding on to you. I am nothing but blessed and thankful.
I wonder if there is some memory of the lost ones lingering within my womb? If you somehow sense the echo of who they were and what their potential was? I wonder if any of them will come out through you? I wonder what parts of your father and I you will carry on? Some familear curve of a chin or cheekbone. The way you laugh, the way your hair curls to one side, the way you favor certain foods, the things you have a passion for. And then I wonder what parts of you will shine through and surprsie me as being your very own creation.
I will be 100% honest. I hope you are a girl. A very deep part of my heart longs for a daughter. A girl to teach woman things to. Someone I can wear matching dresses with and teach about being a woman of integrity and respect and a free spirit. We can fashion daisy chains for our hair and dance in the grass barefoot with our toenails painted pink and bright yellow.
But then again, as much as my soul longs for a woman-child, I wouldn’t mind another son. After all, the ones I already have aren’t that bad. Boys are a strange breed, that’s for sure. But I am absolutely in love with being a mother of a clan of boys. I cannot even begin to explain to people how much FUN my life is right now.
You are such a lucky child. There have been some pessimists who have felt the need to inform me that I am being selfish to you by adding you to a family of this size. I cannot begin to fathom the logic in that thought process. Because what you are coming to join is a home filled with so much love it is busting at the seams and overflowing. Loads of laughter. Snuggles. Story time. Tickle fights and wrestling matches and movies and silliness. I doubt your little body will ever be left alone to lay anywhere for longer than ten seconds before the next person will want to hold you. Your brothers are going to fight over you and protect you and adore you. Your Daddy is going to rock this Fatherhood gig. My friend Brandon (who lives with us) will no doubt play a part in lavishing you in love and teaching you how to be as awesome as he is. His girlfriend Amanda will do exactly the same. You, my dear, are going to be one very loved kid. There are children out there who only know fear or rejection or lonliness. You are such a lucky child.
I love you already. Passionately. In a way that almost scares me because of that little fear in the back of my mind that I could still lose you. But I love you anyway. Because I am your mother. And because you are amazing and magical and a miracle. And because you are mine. I will ALWAYS love you.