Mom instilled in us a pretty solid stance on what family is supposed to mean. I have always been impressed by the fact that even though I’m 9 years older than you, and 18 years older than Tamar, we still all are pretty darn close as far as siblings go. I know folks who are only a couple of years age difference from their siblings and they have basically no contact at all with one another. It really means more to me than you realize when I message you on FaceBook or text you just to tell you I miss you and love you and you take the minute or so to reply back saying you miss me and love me to. I lock those bad boys into my phone as saved forever because I DO miss you like crazy and love you more than I ever realized I did when we were kids.
I was pretty selfish as a big sister, back when we were kids. I guess that’s partly to be expected. Seeing that big age difference. I was dealing with teenage angst while you were dealing with growing up and figuring out this huge world. But a part of me feels bad I was so focused on my own shit that I missed a lot of what you were going through.
I’m sorry about your friend drowning. Seven years old is pretty damn young to lose your best friend. I’m sorry for the uncertainties and sadness that came with that experience. I’m sorry it effected you in bigger ways than you even realized back then, resulting in you wandering the house at night, walking out your grief through sleepwalking journeys.
I’m sorry about our step dad. That you waited so long to have a Daddy and the one who finally came into our family loved you just until the new baby came and then you were forgotten. Forgotten until the day you stood up for our mom and stopped him from hurting her. Forgotten until he took out his anger on you, put fists to your flesh when you were just a kid still yourself. I know what it feels like now to have someone bigger and stronger pound on you simply because you stood up against injustice that you saw. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I would have hurt him more than you could imagine. I’m sorry it’s too late now.
I’m sorry I ran away from home that time for two weeks. It never crossed my mind to think of who I was making worry back when I was a teenager. But when mom told me you would sit in the doorway of my room, a sad little boy at only 8 years old, and just stared quietly into my empty bedroom…..that broke my heart. I’m sorry I made you miss me, made you worry, made you see and hear those stupid fights between mom and myself. You were such a good kid and you got lost in the shadows of your silence so often because while you were the calm in the storm I was the raging, whirling tornado.
I love you so much. I am so beyond proud of who you are. I am proud to be able to call you my brother. I love that as we have both gotten older we are discovering more and more how much we truly have in common. I guess it really shouldn’t surprise me. You and I are cut from the same fabric after all. But in case you didn’t know, I wanted to tell you. I brag about you all of the time. I adore you. I’m proud of all you have accomplished up til this point. A quote from one of my favorite movies says it best “There isn’t anyone else I’d want to walk through hell with.” That’s fact right there.
I hate that we live so far apart. You with your life in Rhode Island and me here with my own life in North Carolina. I wish we could talk more often. Especially face to face. I miss laughing with you. You could always crack me up. I miss our goofiness. I miss you like crazy. Love you with all of my heart. Always. xoxo
Your big sister,