You’ve always been big. Probably bigger than I myself actually am. But then again, I always bought into the wisdom that I could do and be anything I put my mind to. I believed in you with a fire and a ferverence. I stood firm on the possibilities for many years and saw myself molded into the shape of you alone. I wasn’t Tonia so much as I was the future singer/dancer/author, etc…
Fact is, somewhere along the way I lost that firm grasp on you. And for a moment I regretted it. I longed for the life I never really got to experience, mourned for the loss of something I never had attained in the first place. It was such a tough transition, to realize the plans I had formed within my mind were not ever going to come to be.
But frankly, I don’t miss you as much as I thought I would. Sure, I have my moments when I see someone else living out what I had envisioned for myself and I get that twinge of jealousy. But it’s brief. Because what I trade you for is so much greater than you ever were. And no offense, but I wouldn’t trade back for anything.
I have a family now. A simple country hippie life with my sons, my man, my friends, my church. I blog. I dance in my livingroom. I bake. I am an activist. A researcher. An adventurer. I hike. I pray. I sing in church. I worship in bare feet. I live in simplicity and beauty and grace. It’s basically as far away from the single-girl in the city glamour life I had originally envisioned. But that sounds pretty empty at this point in my life.
I’m happy here. Truly happy. I feel more complete and at peace with my life than I ever imagined I could possibly be. That’s a really beautiful, amazing place to find yourself in life. I am beyond grateful I DIDN’T follow you. Don’t take it personally. I mean, I still gather myself around glimpses of you. My writing my poetry. My singing. These small seemingly insignificant ways I still walk out your existence. You are still there. It is just that you exist in new shapes and ideas now. That’s basically how life works anyway. We learn and grow and evolve with the passing of time. And sometimes it is bittersweet but it always turns out to be ok.
That’s where I am. Not regretting the missing of you. Happy. Ok with me. I can’t ask for more than that.