I got inspired by Sarcasmom and Bitchin’ Barefoot, both of whom are currently doing a 30 Day Letter Writing Challenge on their blogs. So, here goes. Day 1, a letter to My Best Friend.
Dear Ken,
It’s so hard to believe it has been 28 months since I last heard your voice or saw your face. It’s such a strange realization to think you have been gone just as long as I had you in my life. Life really isn’t always fair, is it?
I only ever toyed with the idea of “soulmate” until you strolled through my life. I always sort of thought it was a cute fairy tale idea. But then BOOM I met you. And it was as if someone somewhere along the way had taken a pair of scissors and cut my soul in two and lent half to you. You GOT me. We clicked. We could laugh until we cried. Talk deep. Share our deepest insecurities and fears. Discuss philosophies and dreams and desires. Silence between us was never awkward. You were my rock when I needed a rock. I was your courage when you needed courage. You were my best friend.
These boys were ours. For two years you called thm yours just as much as you called them mine. You doted on them, especially the baby. Man, the sun rose and set in your eyes to him. You were only Daddy to him, having come into his world when he was only 2 months old. That boy loved you a million times more than he loved me. You died 9 days after his 2nd birthday. I think that’s why he is like my little shadow now, at age 4. I think he is still waiting for you to come back home.
They found you in that river with those rings still in your pocket. They gave me the small box at the police station. The officer was kind enough to keep it separate from the brown paper bag of your belongings that he handed me. The rings were muddy, I had to wipe them off a bit. But I took that box outside, stood alone and cried over them. They were truly beautiful. I don’t know what you were worried about, texting me that day telling me you wanted to get something better when you had more money. They were perfect. I had imagined in my head what the proposal would have been like, how I would have reacted. I never got that moment with you.
I know you struggled a lot with insecurities, self-worth, doubts, self-loathing even at times. It aches me at times to think of the weight you carried within yourself and tried to drown with alcohol. I wish you had truly truly known that you were loved. Really loved. You should have seen the funeral. People you hadn’t seen since high school 24 years earlier shared their stories and wept. The funeral procession on the highway on the way to bury you….man, those cars went on forever. I still remember your mom looking out the back window of the limo, her voice cracking as she said “Oh I wish Kenny could see this.” She knew as well as I did that you never really felt comfortable in your skin, never felt good enough. I wish you knew.
You were deeply loved. By your friends. By your family. By myself and our boys. I wish you had never felt insignificant. Because you certainly weren’t! Not to me. Not a single day has passed in the last 28 months when I have not thought of you and missed you. Not one. Your time in my life, and the subsequent loss of you has drastically changed my life forever. I am eternally grateful for that.
I find a small comfort in the fact that I did TELL you quite often how treasured, appreciated and adored you were. Those 96 little random love notes I had hidden all over the house the week before you died. You did find a good portion of those. And the last contact you had with anyone was me, a text ending in “I love you.” And your text back telling me you loved me. You left this world carrying love in your heart. And isn’t that our greatest purpose? To love and be loved?
I miss you. Always. I knew you were the ONE from that first stupid note you left on my kitchen counter signed “Kenny Felangie.” (Friends fans will get the context) Princess Conseoula still loves Crapbag. 😉
Oh, P.S. The Browns are lame, your hair is stupid, and you did say “dip”, right?


One response »

  1. OMG Tonia, I was just on the verge of tears with this post and then I got to the Kenny Felangie and the Princess Conseula loves Crapbag and i LOL’d! I did get the Friends reference and it totally made me giggle to the point where my fiance looked at me like i was growing five heads and I had to explain it all to him. (he is still kinda looking at me like I have 5 heads as he is not as big a fan as I am of that show)

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